When I was a kid, my parents did all they could to keep me happy. They supported all my interests and hobbies, they made sure that we had a minimal amount of toys to play with, and healthy food to eat in moderation. They let us play outside in the street in summer until twilight or until we had to go out somewhere. Sure we had chores, and house rules, and discipline, but I just wasn't happy. And while I do blame the religion I grew up with for trying to gaslight me into thinking Christianity is freedom, I also had to learn something in the last five years: achieving eternal happiness is a fallacy.

As humans, we constantly chase instant gratification and positivity. I've done this for years in order to combat the pain and struggles of little money, low confidence and self-esteem, and becoming a pro at masking autism. I discovered through ancient wisdom, modern psychology, and a trip to my aunt's house in Oshawa Ontario a surprising truth. Happiness cannot be found in avoiding problems, but in embracing them as natural elements of a meaningful life.

There's an old story about a prince living in Nepal. He lived a life most could only dream of. His father sheltered his son from suffering. He erected high walls around their palace and showered the prince in luxury, completely isolated them both from the outside world's hardships.

Despite having every material thing in the world and not knowing how hard people worked or how much pain they had to push through, the young prince was bored and curious. When he finally saw the world outside his palace walls, he was shocked to discover human suffering in its many forms – sickness, old age, poverty, and death. This exposure to reality triggered an existential crisis for the sheltered child. Reacting dramatically, he eventually saw his wealthy lifestyle as completely disgusting and embraced a life that was the complete opposite. He came to the conclusion that suffering might reveal deeper truths about purpose and meaning in this world.

After years of self-imposed hardship, the prince realized that extreme suffering was as meaningless as extreme luxury. Both extremes failed to provide the insight he sought. Finally, after meditating under a tree for forty-nine days, he arrived at a profound realization: suffering is an inevitable part of life. And the only way to live a meaningful life is to solve problems in order to suffer better than those who go through extreme suffering. Quite a big lesson here if you ask me.

Modern science confirms what Buddha figured out: as much as our commercials encourage us to pursue happiness, as much as prosperity gospel preachers want us to be fortunate and to be envied, we all need some suffering big or small because it contains purpose. We experience discomfort and dissatisfaction not as defects of human existence, but as features that drive adaptation and survival. We are biologically wired to become dissatisfied with what we have and to desire what we don't have. This constant state of mild dissatisfaction has propelled human innovation and progress throughout our history. Suffering encourages leftists to fight for their right to exist. Suffering encouraged right-wingers to storm the capital on January 6th (while I strongly oppose the event since its roots are fascist, I empathize with those who attended who want to fight to work at their jobs during a pandemic where they had to isolate and lose money).

Pain, both physical and psychological, works as a feedback system. Physical pain teaches us to avoid dangerous situations and respect our limitations. Psychological pain, which our brains process very much like physical pain, keeps us on our toes when our emotional or social boundaries have been violated. These kinds of discomfort aren't punishments but they can steer us toward beneficial changes in our personal behavior and to fight for change in outside circumstances.

When we attempt to stop all discomfort from our lives by sheltering our kids from reading "banned books, movies, or TV shows" or by stopping our sons from joining the army because we don't want them to die fighting, we actually weaken this vital feedback mechanism. Socially maladjusted kids, in religious households who become adults, and conspiracy theories prove that when a group of people constantly shield themselves from inevitable discomforts, they will end up disconnecting from reality and losing multiple growth opportunities that healthy doses of pain will provide.

I find it funny how we all think that it's so easy to be happy. "All I have to do is achieve X, acquire Y, or become Z, and then I'll be happy." Wrong.
The people who think this way have their minds set to default while getting sucked into self-help YouTube and motivational memes from Instagram like I did in the past.

Happiness cannot be permanently earned, not even through being at the right place at the right time doing or buying the right thing. It doesn't even exist when we get to a certain milestone, a certain goal, a certain income level, a certain relationship status, a certain number of kids, or a certain career achievement. What makes us happy today won't be satisfying tomorrow. Our biology constantly changes its standards, demanding more, different, or better. Even when we fight it, that biology still gives us the feeling of dissatisfaction.

Enough is never enough. We can never be satisfied with what we have, and will never be satisfied with what we want.
I almost went into an existential crisis figuring this out once I finally reached the goal of moving to Vancouver in 2024 after years of planning to work in a different city and then injuring my back and returning to Winnipeg.

I learned quickly that even when people reach goals they've been chasing for decades – the dream job, the perfect partner, the beautiful home, the number of subscribers on YouTube or members in a Discord channel – the expected lasting happiness doesn't even become a thing. Instead, people chase the next thing, while feeling inadequate despite everything they were doing to build up to their present moment. While I was in Vancouver and failed a job interview, I kept on pursuing the next place to apply, the next place to network, and even in my spare time, I pursued the next open mic to perform at, the next club to enjoy house music, or even the next group of anarchists I could hang out and protest the status quo with.

The point is that it's hard for people to accept that problems in life are always around; like that disc that constantly slips in my back. They never disappear entirely – they merely change form, ideally into problems that are more intense or problems that are fun to solve. Donald Trump has a ton of problems, as does the homeless person sleeping on the bus bench of St. Anne's and Fermor in St. Vital Winnipeg. The difference is merely in the quality of their diverse privilege (like money in this example).

When we solve one problem, a new problem is invented. Move into a new house or apartment, and you'll face the challenges clogged toilets, mold within walls, or making sure heavy furniture you can't move yourself is in the right place. Dedicate Friday nights to improving a marriage, and there will be issues that come about with planning activities, making sure there's enough money for date nights, and rekindling romantic chemistry. And then there's political organizing to ensure that protests remain peaceful (see, even leftists have to take personal responsibility just like people on the right say they don't).

This is a pattern that every single person including me experiences indefinitely. Letting this epiphany sink in will free you from the frustration of expecting a problem-free existence. Instead of hoping for no problems, pushing for meaning in life should include looking for challenges that engage our capabilities and align with our values.

Happiness doesn't come from singing Hakuna Matata. Having no worries for the rest of our days isn't just shallow, it just doesn't exist. Happiness comes as a result of taking on life's challenges, not in escaping from them. The key word is "solving" – both avoiding problems and feeling overwhelmed by unsolvable problems lead to misery. A response to problems at some point in the near future is what helps us to live a fruitful life.

To experience genuine contentment, we need challenges that help us build character realistically and appropriately. Sometimes these are simple problems we can enjoy like cooking a home-made pizza or mastering a new video game. Other times, we have no choice but to deal with abstract and complex issues, like finding some form of work if unemployed, improving family relationships, or trying to convince our annoying neighbor in the upstairs apartment that their music is too loud. The specific nature of the problems doesn't matter as much as our relationship to them because true happiness comes when we find problems we enjoy having and enjoy solving.

However, a lot of folks shoot themselves in the foot when chasing happiness through two common patterns: denial and victim mentality. Denial refuses to acknowledge problems exist. People who deny their problems constantly distract themselves from reality, creating a life built on insecurity and emotional repression. This is why conspiracy theories and right-wing ideology like conservatism or evangelical Christianity only provides temporary relief from problems. People in these groups work hard to avoid authentically engagement with life's challenges (via prayer, manifesting, and toxic positivity) unless they absolutely must take the needed personal responsibility.

The victim mentality, even for those of us who can only do so much, becomes a thing when people believe they are completely powerless to solve their problems, even when solutions are within reach (and one of the best solutions that can immediately break someone out of a victim mentality is to simply ask for help). If a problem is not systematic, it isn't productive to blame others or circumstances for difficulties in life. Like denial, this approach might offer short-term emotional comfort but ultimately leads to anger (protesting on the left, and events like January 6th on the right), helplessness (feeling like there's no hope), and despair (long periods of suffering and even suicidal thoughts).

Both patterns may somehow provide an escape from discomfort but it can also lead to underlying issues getting worse the longer they aren't dealt with. This explains why many self-help approaches fail to create lasting change. The focus on instant gratification gives an emotional high but it doesn't equip people to solve real problems.

The paradox of happiness is that we must deal with suffering and problems rather than escape from them. Being content in life isn't found in building the perfect world of external circumstances while eliminating all problems and drama. A full life comes from finding challenges that engage our capabilities and align with our values, while working to address them. In this process of meaningful problem-solving, we discover something more valuable than eternal happiness or even heaven on earth: we see a life of purpose, growth, and authentic well-being.

By accepting suffering as inevitable and understanding problems as a natural part of life, we can build a more realistic and ultimately more satisfying relationship with living – one that embraces challenges as opportunities rather than obstacles to happiness.