When I was 10 years old, I asked myself a simple question, "What if there's more that I can do compared to the average person?"
I spent my childhood in a small Catholic school. We had a small drama assignment for one of our English classes. We had to come up with a monologue that would teach the class a life lesson. A classmate of mine named Giselle gave a lesson that had an impact on me, and it blew my own assignment out of the park.

In her drama piece, she took on the role of an over-weight kid, with a learning disability, who was bullied all through elementary, junior, and high school. The kid worked hard to be liked, but soon decided that she would concentrate on her studies, shake off what people think about her, and work hard. Years later, the girl with many rolls blossomed into a beautiful woman, who owned her own business, had a ton of kids, drove a nice car, and travelled four times a year with her good-looking husband. This "lesson" has stuck with me for many years, but instead of being a blessing, it revealed itself to be a prison for me many years later.

Before I get into describing the feedback loop for hell that I was locked in for so long, let me tell you a bit about myself. I've lived in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada for 38 years and a small town called Brandon in West Manitoba for three years. No, I'm not a fat kid, but I've always struggled with a learning disability and now, a dad-bod. I am an artist. I used to draw, but then got into writing rap and hip-hop as an outlet for dealing with my own pain as a bullied kid in high school. After a really awful incident, I was taken to a psychiatrist in 2002 who diagnosed me with Aspergers Syndrome.

I have graduated from college twice and consistently failed at maintaining employment because I'm on the autism spectrum. If I wasn't at work, I was trying to make friends with people at church or promoting music or apps I developed in front of a computer screen. I met my wife in 2011, struggled working an office job so we could get married, learned a lot from the self-help industry and how to run an online business before getting married in 2013, started an app flipping business in 2015, and found myself living off savings and my departed grandmother's inheritance since mid-2019.

After getting frustrated over the infamous Canadian Freedom Convoy of 2022 and the fact that so many Christian friends were fighting and bickering over lockdowns and restrictions because of the pandemic, I finally left the church feeling just like the bullied kid in high school. Learning about "The New Apostolic Reformation" and its ties to the system and Christian nationalism also drove me further away from embracing spirituality and turned me into an agnostic.

With no friends to confide in besides my wife, I looked for work outside Manitoba and tried to get hired at Hootsuite in Vancouver. My parents flew me out to my aunt's place to stay for a few months while my wife tried to make our lives work back in Winnipeg. The interview process with Hootsuite wasn't fun at all, and my manual search and networking in Vancouver did not get me very far.

On August 1th 2024, I was house-sitting alone at my aunt's place. My 40s finally caught up with me and I put my back out. The big house turned into my own personal hospital and my wife flew west to help nurse me back to health. We both agreed that I had to come home as soon as I could sit in a plane seat for 3 hours without nerves pinching each other. Ever since I got back, I've been contemplating why my whole life turned into a complete disaster. So between looking for a new job back in my hometown, volunteering in a hackerspace, and trying again in the business world as a sound designer, I have been working on this is a compilation of what I learned in life, as well as what I unlearned.

The views and events expressed in this book will seem a little crazy for those who don't know me well. The views and maxums I put forward will most likely make people of privileged reading very uncomfortable. From looking through a lense of rose-colored privileged sunglasses, to seeing lessons and a reality I wish I embraced after my neurodivergent diagnosis, I'm still sorting out if I'm becoming some kind of radical lefty, or a just a wacky independant thinker. My only other thing to add to this disclaimer of a paragraph is that this whole book is worth a read at least once. It will illustrate how far I've come as a person even though physically, things have been getting worse.

I'd like to begin with a modern lesson that I wish I learned after being diagnosed autistic in 2002:a lot of things we do don't matter at all. So why bother trying?

Now you're probably thinking, "Aaron, are you insane?" Um...ouch, again, learning disability. The other thought that some are thinking who have read a ton of self-help books "Are you ripping off Mark Manson's classic The Subtle Art of Not Giving a "special word?" Sort of, but the more I dug into that intro chapter of his book recently, the more I feel there are some things Manson hints at that I need to say out loud.

First, Manson tells the story of a sad drinking author who worked a dead-end day job. He finally got a book deal but that never changed his situation outside of getting more money. On the author's tombstone, it says "Don't Try." Manson's ideas indicate that we tend to either constantly chase happiness while wondering why we are sad once the happiness goes away, or we try to become something we're not (like feeling entitled to be a chosen celebrity or influencer, or mega-church pastor). The reason this happens is because we try too hard. When we try too hard, we fail, but if we don't try, we get somewhere but that "success" doesn't last. In order to "not try," we have to figure out what is valuable to us individually and live for only those values while avoiding distractions (the hardest part of this whole idea). Only then, will life be fulfilling. That's the lesson of his book in a nutshell, but I believe there's more to it all than that.

My book is dedicated to people who have failed at trying to be normal. It's the voice of those who are outcasted trying to figure out how the world works. It's an ode to those who the world sees as average. It's a book to encourage boldness in individuals whom society sees as failures. It's dedicated to folks who can never mask their neurodiverse brain. It's for anyone who is "labelled" high functioning, but really, they can only function to a point like myself. It's a book that not only explains what I wish I knew in the last 20 years of my life, but hopefully, it's something helpful for anyone who is completely and utterly fed up with this status quo like I am. Hopefully it can breathe life into someone who suffers because of corporate greed. Hopefully it can some form of wealth to those who always struggle with a lack of funds. Hopefully, it can be the cat-scan for someone who's head is injured by metaphorical gravity, after having it in the clouds for so long.

This is in no way a self-help book. It is a self-acceptance book. It's accepting like Linkin Park that many people reading (or not) have tried so hard but in the end it doesn't matter. Certain things in life only matter because "the system" tells us they matter. And sadly, we NEED certain worthless things to matter in this moment because we're stuck depending on them for survival until something better comes along. Many people who hate computers and smartphones are accepting that we have to use those things becaus we live in a society that thrives because of binary 0s and 1s. But does that mean we have to stop saying "log off and touch grass?" Does that mean we have to be sad we're using technology instead of being angry about it or finding hobbies that don't require a screen? I'll leave you as the reader to answer these questions.

When it comes to self-acceptance, I believe it is perfectly okay to say to yourself "I can't do this." You're not saying it because you're weak. You're admitting and embracing the reality that there are certain things you cannot do by yourself. You're also admiting that if something matters, you might need some help when it comes to certain things like finding a job with AI searching, or being unable to fix a showerhead that soaks your entire bathroom. And depending on where you're at, like in my case, saying "I can't do this" when it comes to getting a job in Vancouver and going home to Winnipeg instead, I'm admitting that the thing I cannot do (getting a job in Vancouver) really isn't valuable to me at all in the long termn. It's a discovery, not admitting defeat.

The problem with the self-help industry (which I will go into more details in a later chapter) is that it always gives us the idea that every person should be able to do certain things in certain ways (and yet every guru has their own methods and variations on ideas surrounding hard work and personal responsibilty). It tells men if they are weak, they need to man up and go above and beyond other men. For women, it gaslights them into thinking they are strong enough, brave enough, or smart enough to do certain things they internally know they may never be able to do by themselves or without their girl-boss gal-pals or it encourages them to do something that is not valuable to them individually.

Nevertheless, sometimes we are in places where we need to make things happen. It's beneficial to do two things when trying to attempt this kind of task:
- ask yourself how important it actually is
- figure out if you can do it yourself or if you need help

Gurus may touch on the second step sometimes, but they never look at the first, because they always believe that everyone deserves to be rich, everyone deserves to be their vision of healthy, and everyone deserves a romantic partner. Gurus always tell us we need to go to the gym, to buy the best cars, make memories with the best trips, fight for the best relationships, start the best businesses to run, buy and flip the latest game systems or win with the best Comic Con costumes, use the best tools, take the hottest romantic partners with the best curves to your bedroom, or even to homeschool the best and brightest kids.
But now, we're living in an age where there's more divorce, it's harder to afford a house or a car, not everyone can travel to tropical places like Mexico, and more women don't want kids. This should tell us how badly our culture in general needs collective help rather than just changing the way we think so we can work our way into burnout.

The reason the burnout happens when we fail is because we keep on trying to change ourselves with the end in mind and forget to either figure out why what we do realistically doesn't work, what kind of realistic help we need, what realistic obstacles are in the way, or if our long-term goal we reach will realistically last long term after we reach it. Notice I used one term: realistic. Depending on how privileged we are, most of the values that the system gives us today are actually unrealistic. Because of that unrealism, we are constantly chasing after pleasures that are temporary, or relying on ridiculousness like manifesting and faith to get us through. Those who get out of the self-help movement like I did, eventually figured out that there are certain changes, certain wants, and perhaps even certain needs or statuses that we really don't need or that are not worth doing or pursuing at all.

Our system has conditioned us to get good grades in school, graduate from a good college or university, buy a house, buy a car, work a 9 - 5 job, go on vacation for two to four weeks a year, get married, have kids, and then once we've done all those things, retire and travel until we kick the bucket while making our kids and grand-kids do the same. But what do we do, if no matter how hard we try, we can't even do a fraction of those things? That's where the self-acceptance comes in. Let's go through some examples:

If Bobby tries too hard to get a date with a girl who is not interested in him, he accepts that no matter what he does to pursue her, she will never be with him. Bobby accepts himself by being himself around other girls that he interacts with, but without showing unrealistic confidence or revealing his interest in another girl unless he figures out a girl he gets along well with is interested. Bobby also goes on dates without expecting a girl he's with to put out or relying on a promise that she will be with him until death.

If Darren constantly tries to find a better job outside of being a janitor and no matter what other job he gets, he can't seem to keep that job, he accepts that being a janitor is his calling while he uses what little free time he has to play guitar and perform at open mics. Darren cancels his future appointments with employment agencies, stops following get-rich quick gurus, and if he's respected on the open-mic circuit, he works hard to play guitar and share his music instead, because that's what truly matters to him. Darren doesn't pretend to be all that and a bag of chips. He doesn't spam his Bandcamp or Soundcloud URL everywhere since he's impressive to his community. All he fights for if things get tough is to ensure he has a living wage that will cover his living expenses, a bit more time off if he takes his guitar on the road, and the occassional investments into his family and community he loves.

Self-acceptance gives the person who tries too hard the oppurtunity to do what they can, with the privilege and smarts they have, and removes the self-ableism that comes from the system (ableism in this case is the pursuit of unrealistic exceptionalism and meritocracy by doing more or being more than you can do or be when working and trying hard).It puts focus on what is actually valuable, what isn't distracting, what is socially acceptable, what is easily earned or attainable with assistance, and removes the desire to prove oneself to people who judge them.

Self-acceptance helps an individual no matter who they are suffer as best as possible. It removes a chunk of entitlement. It can direct but doesn't remove temporary over-rated emotions. It keeps people from doing random time-wasting tasks they feel are pointless that they never wanted to do in the first place. And most importantly, while it doesn't cure depression, anxiety, or extreme mental health problems like schizophrenia or bi-polar, it can potentially help an individual answer a very important question: what if it is possible to live a full life as an average person?

A First Thing to Unlearn

Here's another lesson and one of the first things to unlearn when trying to live just a little above average as a first step. We must understand one thing about a person's mind stuck on default: that mind is always subconciously frantic about what people think of them. It's human nature and people who live in a society are terrified of being different.

When people's minds are stuck on default, they easily get worried about the neighbors judging their son's purple hair or forgetting to wear jeans on casual Fridays that aren't too short. And if you post how much you love or are passionate about someone on Facebook (and they don't like you), people in the comments tell you to stop posting lovey dovey stuff. Having a mind stuck on default is all about playing it safe, like listening to the same songs from The Weeknd or only watching PG-rated movies.

It all starts when kids are teens. Even the pot-smokers and metal-heads have to play by the rules. Teens are bullied all the time when they just go and do their own thing, and in order to have a healthy school life, one has to be part of a scene or a clique. Don't wear a shirt with a band or Marvel or DC on it? That poor kid is invisible! And if a geek every got into video game music (in my experience) or was into jungle or breakcore or any kind of movement outside of what's cool or accepted in their local high school, it's like they broke the ultimate bourgeois law. Everyone's wearing these invisible suits of armor, made of the same paper that keeps them from being themselves.

And then there's parents and grandparents, who's default minds don't really have much to give away to future Gen-Z or Millenials. They've got ridiculous Jordan Peterson or Mel Robbins-ish kind of goals that don't lead to anything good. They watch kids do something different and think it's part of just going through the motions of school, college, marriage, kids, etc. They think if the kids just keep playing the game, they'll eventually win, and that their kids will win inside the same repetitive cycle of the same old stuff. And because everyone's rebelling, the adults subconciously think that it's all just part of growing up, so it never actually changes anything big. It's like a sad dance that everyone's doing (unless of course they're Christian parents trying to keep kids from making mistakes they've seen).

The feeling is completely minimized when the epiphany hits that we're all living in a world that's like a giant puzzle with no picture on the box. Everyone's trying to fit into this "status quo" that's basically just made-up. We watch ads on our phones or YouTube with perfect couples, young adults, or families while thinking living on "default" is what we're supposed to be like. But that's not real life. It's chasing a mirage.

Marriage and family, without any additional purpose or activity to live for, are the ultimate example of minds and lives on default. You're supposed to settle down, get a house, have kids, and live the dream, right? But the reality is, it's all about playing these roles with our minds on default that suck the life out of us. When we try to minimize our default mind, we figure out we're all craving real love and community, but we're stuck in this version of it that's twisted and warped by a corrupt American society. It's a pipe-dream turned reality when like everyone's pretending to be happy, blessed, fortunate, and to be envied, but really, the majority of the population running on default are just lonely and stuck in a routine.

When your mind and life is stuck on default, it is like watching dreams on TV. You've got all this cool tech, flashy clothes, sports equipment, or a giant sound system, but it's just filling a void. We're all stuck in this cycle of wanting more without really knowing what we want. That's why determining what's important is mandatory to live a life and have a mind away from its default setting.

This is important because those who have their minds and life stuck on default are just above being dead. Their robots with credit cards. They're convinced that if everyone else lived in default, they'd be happy too. But the truth is, being on default is just going through the motions, trying not to think about how empty it all feels (and even if we keep doing new things, life is still empty because of the other people living on default). Without the lie that this is the best life, people have to face the fact that they're basically tossing out chances for something real.

So, living on default where we live a certain kind of life because everyone else is doing it is a disease. And sadly, there is no way to completely turn of the "temptation to conform or be shunned" because we all crave a bit of safety. But there is a way to minimize the feeling: and it begins by starting to question it. The more you ask, the more you can start actually living. And people will look at you funny. Who cares? You may not get rich. Who cares (unless you're starving or homeless). You may not lose your virginity. Who cares? You may not have kids. Who cares besides your mom who wants grandkids? Or you simply may only have two to three close friends. Who cares besides those friends? People don't care because most of the time, they only care about themselves, or what they can get from you. If you just do what you do, trendy or not, part of the system or not, you will feel love, joy, and have a taste of a different kind of freedom. Because let's be honest, you chose what's important to you and not to them. And who wants to just do what is important to most people in this boring fake utopia? I'm sure I don't.